This. I don’t know why I do this.
I can’t keep walking in your shadow
Like I’m behind you in a never ending line
Buying oreos and skittles and hoping
Screaming at you
to turn back around and tell me a story
about your cat
your girlfriends love
Head phones on
Head down I march forward into tomorrow
and tomorrows tomorrow
and tomorrows tomorrows
and it never ends
I never get any closer to you
I can never get past the shadow I walk in
To touch you or make you listen
I cant stay back here in the darkness
While I wait for rainbows and unicorns and the things that fairy tales are made of
to show up and rescue me
I have to break free of the weight on my heart holding me down
pushing me back
drowning me in sorrow and 10 dollar lattes
I have to leave your shadow behind me and let it walk only with my shadow
It can no longer run at the front of the race
I must return to my black and white world and your shadow is simply too full
of brightly coloured rain drops and glitter
This line is to long to keep standing behind you when the store closes so soon
I dart away to a moving line
Like a frightened child I call your name in hopes that you will turn
nod your head
call my name back
from that far dark place I left you and your shadow.
I know you wont but my hope and delusion run deep from the time spent ignoring reality
You never turn around
I wait and wait and wait
and the sun falls deeper and deeper and deeper into the horizon
and your shadow morphs constantly but never turns you around
I walk away
Oreos and Rainbows… I miss you Dana
I finally have a Tegan and Sara song (See Dana, I even spelled their names properly!)
No I dont think its a coincidence I found my T&S song on the same day we buried you. Thank you for leaving this here with me. I miss you so much. Were kindred spirits, attached at the soul. Nothing will ever be the same without you, and I wouldnt want it to be. Such a short short time we had together and yet we became more then friends, more then sisters. We poured our hearts out to each other. Knowing you knew all my doubts and fears and joys and dreams, made my life so much easier. Knowing you trusted me with your secrets, made me feel important.
You knew it was coming. I asked you to tell me you wouldnt leave me and you wouldnt. You told me you were scared, I told you I didnt want you to go, you said you didnt want to go either. If only it could have been that simple. If only wishes, and dreams and love could have cured you.
They tell me they buried you with the necklace I sent you. I just wish it had gotten there faster for you to have seen it. It was so you. Delicate, bright, unique, strong. Im comforted knowing youre family did that for me. That they understood how much we meant to each other. How much I loved you. How much Im going to miss you.
I have moments that the pain is overwhelming. That it feels like my heart is shattered and will never be the same. The thought that Monkey will never know the greatness of you first hand is almost unbearable. I hope I can raise her to be even half the woman you were and that somewhere you’re watching out for her.
Already I have moments too, where I don’t think about you. Already. It seems so soon. Im not forgetting, but Im no longer expecting my phone to ring. Im no longer expecting my inbox to fill. Im getting used to you not being here, and that scares me.
I should probably get some sleep. Taking Monkey to the indoor playground in the morning. You’d love it, theres a whole area devoted to shooting nerf balls at each other.
<3 I love you.
Dana L. M.
November 22, 1985 - January 7, 2011
“Everyone have a great day, okay? And remember to smile.. you can never do too much of that.. much love… :D”
I dont have words
The verbal expression of thought
Wiped out by despair
Part of me is lost
Seeking its other half
Like a balloon
Slowly I am losing air
Collapsing to the floor
Where I lay alone
Waiting to wake up
From this nightmare
Make love, not war?
Hmm.. I don’t know if love can solve all our problems…
I know! I’ve got it!
Make sammiches, not war…
I mean, sammiches make everything better, am I right?!
I’m going to take my awkwardness elsewhere now…
If I had a pocket, had a pocket full of sunshine…
I’d take my fucking pants off!
OMG, can you imagine how bad that shit would hurt?!
A pocket.. FULL OF SUNSHINE?!
How the fuck would that shit get in my pants anyway?
How the fuck am I supposed to believe that my pocket is full of sunshine.. when I can’t even get Sara Quin to get in my pants?